Hotel Falesia, Portugal

I, Melachi ibn Amillar, being a man of wealth and taste, did spend a week at the Hotel Falesia, Alcoteiras, Portugal, in July 2012. Obviously, not a man of that much taste, or I would not have stayed there. The first problem with this hotel is that it does not have any obvious stairs, meaning it is necessary to hang around for the lift, even if just going one floor. The next problem is that it is not by the beach. There is a shuttle, or a half-hour walk down the elevator of neighbouring hotel, where one would have to rent chairs and parasols and pay 12 euro for a cocktail. Third, on half-board they do not serve water at dinner unless you pay extra for it, the minimum being E1.50 for a very small bottle. Fourth, there is only one pool, one restaurant (a buffet), and no entertainment worth mentioning, except a strange quartet of reps, one of whom is out of tune (being a charitable person, I will not say which). There is nothing interesting nearby (it is a modern resort area), and it is also rather a long walk (one and a half hours) from the town of Albufeira. On the other hand, the staff are friendly, personable and efficient, but without the annoying, automatic bustling efficiency that one finds in resorts catering to US visitors. The hotel was clean and the room service was fine. There were just about enough sun loungers. Some complained the water in the pool was too cold. Cheapest cocktail was 5 euros, a pint of beer was 3 euros, and there was a 1 hour happy hour when it was 1.50. Jigsaws were available. However, Hugo's plastic-chair bar by the road down the steps at the front charged euro 1.50 for beer at all hours, and also with friendly service. A 5 litre box of wine is available from the supermarket there for about 4 euros.

Dining Hall

Chef Angelo is himself a great advertisement for the attraction of his food; I particularly recall the chef veal and the chef orange duck. But not a place to come if hoping for steaks, hamburgers, outdoor grills, hot dogs, or lobster and seafood on ice.

Police assist stranded day-trippers

The Western Wonders tour with Jose and Joaquin was excellent. The trip to Seville was a disaster with only a few hours in the town, the guide saying little of interest but in three languages, and the coach breaking down on the way back leaving us in the bus on the side of the motorway without air-conditioning for two hours.

Metalhead count was two: slipknot t-shirt on longhair with his parents, and motorhead t-shirt on tattoos in Lagos. Porsche count was also rather low, mainly Cayennes.

Obviously, I, Melachi, was not the target market for this hotel, and cannot quite remember why I booked it. Might suit people over sixty, though 

if I were over sixty I do not think it would suit me. 

Edit:
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This review provoked a nice answer from the Hotel Manager and the following hilarious comments: