Lord the Provider Joyland Lodge, Mfangano Island, on Lake Victoria

I, Melachi ibn Amillar, being of unsound mind and body, did stay at "Lord the Provider Joyland Lodge" on Mfangano Island, on Lake Victoria, Kenya, in February 2014. It is located a few steps from the port of Sena, or, rather, the place where the little boats to Mbita stop. Behind the dining room/lounge, a dozen cells lie around a small courtyard on which goats may graze, at KES 500 (£3) a night including breakfast (egg and chapatis); each with its own facilities, albeit a la turk. There is a net, though I heard only a few mosquitoes. When the main water tank is empty they will give you a large basin of water for ablutions, and the flushing. Water for drinking can be bought. A meal is KES 150 (£1) and not bad for those who like ugale, though portions are on the small side. I can reveal the fish is the best, as one might expect. Service is friendly though the family are rather shy. They have an always-on TV with satellite connection, and one might have joined them in watching, I think, a sequel to "Jurassic Park" (in English). The hotel does not serve beer, but there is a bar across the "road", of a hut of corrugated iron (as are all the buildings in the "town"), where a man serves beer and mobile phone or lottery tickets from a curious cage; a television is there also, itself behind bars, and a rather loud stereo system that will also entertain you in your bed of an evening. I confess I found this bar a little odd and did not imbibe.
Mfangano itself is an agricultural island of myriads of children endlessly walking to and from school, pointing and crying "Mzungu!" (which means, I understand, "O wielder of the white magicks!"), interspersed with occasional sturdy motorcycles. I was interacted with by Emmanuel, seeking support for his orphanage, who showed me the local fishing village. I did not see a single car or truck. But there is, finally, not much to do there, so I sought to leave, which took more than a morning due to the uncertain schedules of the little boats, though I could watch for them from the hotel, sipping colas and listening to the dinosaurs.

"The Beach Africa", Mtwapa, Kenya

I, Melachi ibn Amillar, being a man of wealth and taste, did stay at "the Beach Africa", Mtwapa, Kenya, in February 2014. In my not very humble opinion this place is very beautiful in design and location. It is on a mangrove beach and finely decorated in distressed international backpacker chic. The food is not pricey, and well made and presented, though not very fast to arrive as it actually has to be cooked. The staff and bartender were very helpful and chatty. There are many hangout areas and rather thin cats. The cabins are by the front and without frills or electricity, with the sound of waves when the tide is in, and showers are in a separate shared block with cubicles, though are salty and do not work if there is a power cut. The site is not remote - it is surrounded by normal African residences 25 mins walk East of Mtwapa (so protecting you from the predatory types hanging around the bars), but is rather difficult to find. The cost of a bed in a cabin for two (but in fact otherwise empty) was KES 840. On the other hand, beer is certainly too expensive for a backpacker joint at KES 220. Security is not great, particularly as there was hardly anyone else there. But by far the best of the cheap (and indeed not so cheap) places I stayed at in Kenya, and the only I would like to visit again; and I wish I had found it earlier.